When Is The Grief Cycle Complete?
These are some of the most common questions I get as an intuitive healer. When will I feel like myself again? When will life become easier? When will I find the perfect job or my ideal mate?
I see myself in my clients because there was a time in my own life when “WHEN” was my biggest concern. To offer some compassion, the loss of a relationship is physically painful. They call it heartbreak for a reason. And the unknown is a threat to survival and feels scary. No one wants to stay in this precarious, uncomfortable state for longer than necessary. Seeking to find some measure of control is the natural response. Like a marathon runner who knows there are exactly 26.2 miles ahead, we put one foot in front of the other. What if someone tells you, “Just start running. You’ll see the finish line at some point.” Not many willingly sign up for that race.
Years ago, I asked one of my teachers how I would know when my healing process was complete. Would life just start to get better? Would my dreams and desires start to manifest? He intuitively heard the part of me that needed a timeline- the little wounded part of me that hadn’t yet learned to be there for myself unconditionally. He responded, “You know that your dark night is over when you love yourself no matter what.”
This was a big A-Ha moment. The dark night is not over when you get everything you want. It ends when you love yourself even when life deals you another blow. It ends when you “mess up” (you eat the whole chocolate cake, you sleep with your ex AGAIN) and you love the daylights out of yourself regardless. You don’t find fault, pity or judge yourself. You feel compassion while acknowledging you are not a victim, you are the co-creator of your experience.
My answer to the question “when”, based on what was true for me, is… the dark night is over when YOU CONSISTENTLY MAKE CHOICES THAT ARE ALIGNED WITH YOUR WORTH. You may always carry a little piece of your heart that feels tender (this is what makes us amazing and compassionate friends and lovers) BUT you consistently make choices that are aligned with your esteem and your worthiness. This creates powerful magnetics that attract our desires to us. I love reiki. I love the esoteric arts. But there is no replacement for actual behaving your way toward what you want. No more settling for less, no more tolerating what is intolerable. You gracefully let go of what doesn’t serve with the wisdom that something amazing that you can’t quite see is on the horizon. In doing so, you become the light that ends your own dark night.
To be inspired by a community using evidence based integrated healthcare for grief management, please check out @loriproject.