Opening Your Heart to Love After Loss
What does letting go have to teach us about loving well and attracting the love we desire in our romantic partnerships?
Last week I had the enormous pleasure of speaking to a group of women at a signing event for my book Does This Divorce Make Me Look Fat? I felt joy in sharing insights since publishing the book, like a bit of a post script. I certainly wasn’t promoting some Hallmark version of a happy ending. Since the book published, my beautiful daughter Campbell died. But I was able to share what grief has taught me and how in some very strange way, grief became the experience I needed to fully open my heart to love. For anyone out there who wonders in their sadness if they will be able to open their hearts again, I’m making a case for love.
I honor that it isn’t everybody’s path to be in committed partnership. One of my favorite teachers Carolyn Myss happily and authentically embraces her nun archetype and says she was relieved to decline a marriage proposal. For other folks, when a long-time partner passes, they still find fulfillment in that love and need nothing further. Regardless of relationship status, all love (romantic or platonic) begins with unconditional self-love and respecting one’s own choices.
A common thought that arises in grief is, “will I love again?”. Even in the heartbreak of a beloved pet passing, we think, “will there ever be another…?” In breakup or death, loss creates a void and the space we feel is palpable. I found Alexis Smart’s flower remedy Whole Hearted to be wonderfully supportive after losing my child.
I don’t believe we only get one person, one chance, one forever friend pet. The idea that there is just one soulmate or one great love hasn’t been true from my observations in intuitive readings or in my own life. I believe that God wants us to love and be in partnership (if that’s what our hearts desire). I’ve seen love amplify who we are and create more joy on the planet. Why would God put limits on that potential??
From my own experience with grief, and from what I have gathered from intuitive life coaching sessions, here are some of the ways that I have found grief opens our hearts to love.
Loss puts us in receiving mode. If you are reading this, you are probably a born helper, caregiver type who authentically enjoys nurturing others. This can become a liability when we constantly focus on meeting other people’s needs rather our own or codependently micromanage others. In grief, we often stop resisting the help from others. With so little energy left to give, we become more self-interested and open to receive instead. For people who get stuck in the over functioning caregiver/ rescuer pattern and unconsciously attract needy people, grief can actually change these magnetics. Feeling raw and exhausted, we get real. The tolerance for clingers and any low- level BS we usually let slide suddenly becomes intolerable. We finally set boundaries. We have new clarity to let go of relationships and substances that aren’t serving us. We stand in our worthiness. Giving to others can be a noble cause, but when you are stuck in a constant state of giving, helping, managing and teaching others, your magnetics will attract people who can never give what you truly desire in return.
Loss makes us teachable. When everything is going the way we want, life is smooth, we invest a lot of energy just to keep the status quo. When we’re uncomfortable, we get really motivated to move away from what’s not working in our lives. It is a huge opportunity for personal growth as we are stretched to seek new solutions, to make meaning of our pain. Every loss, no matter how minor, is an opportunity to feel old wounds that resurface to be acknowledged, felt and healed. The echo of all the younger versions of us asks to be reclaimed and brought into holism with our present self. When we are ready to love again, we do so from a wiser, more complete version of ourselves.
Loss helps us to be fearless. In grief, many petty dramas and worries become irrelevant. You don’t sweat the small stuff because next to death, divorce, illness, or heartbreak, it’s all small stuff. We soften our will and surrender to a greater organizing power, God. We get a lot less attached to the who, what, where, when, how our heart’s desires become manifested as we trust in life having a process. A common fear is the fear of being alone. Suddenly, grief shows us that being alone is survivable. Why not go for the big, wonderful love and face the fear of rejection and abandonment? If you lose, you know you can survive it.
My daughter Campbell taught me to love. She taught me to show up when it was messy, imperfect and sometimes exhausting. From my experience, grief is simply the release of love. It seems to transmute into the fabric of life itself to hold our hearts. As she was dying, I prayed that the love she had taught me would expand into the world in the form of new relationships. I gratefully carry this intention to The Lori Project, a digital community where I’ll be supporting people at end of life with integrated end of life care, and supporting those in grief, through group mediation and hypnosis.